A Calling and a Cross

Eh, I'm doing better I suppose. I've developed a method of existence as I await the day that my baby will die. I can hold it all in soundly until around 5 or 6 when I start getting tired, then I'm toast - and the tears can come. The rest of the time I really  feel glad to accept this and oh so proud of my little one, chosen as she is to be with her Creator so soon.  I wouldn't trade her or this pregnancy for any other.     You're not going to guess what my latest therapy technique is! Delving deeper into my midwifery books and getting down to the nitty gritty details that I need to learn but that have up until now made my eyes glaze over. The midwives I've come to know and shadow have graciously allowed me to attend more prenatal appointments, postpartum,  and last night I was invited to my first birth in the role of student midwife. People have expressed their concern to me about doing all of this while going through such emotional turmoil with my own pregnancy, but let me tell ya: pregnancy and birth has become infinitely more beautiful in my weary eyes. Sure, there is pain as a result of so many reminders that I'm the unlucky one of the bunch - but it doesn't outdo the glory I see shining even brighter in mamas waiting, carrying healthy babies. And the birth - Lord have mercy. How beautiful.  What a Blessing each birth really is. Truly a miracle. The Creator has been so generous with this gift that, though I can't even fathom why anymore, we have gotten used to the wonders of it. The lower I sink into the sadness accompanied by inevitable loss of my baby, and the more  my heart yearns and aches for a healthy normal pregnancy, the more pleasing it is to see  a mom get just that. Bittersweet, they might say.  Maybe the moms I will assist over the years will not have the realization that I have come to find, but if I am so fully aware of just how lucky they really are to be blessed as they have been blessed, I can work even harder to allow their experiences to be perfect. Never slack even for a minute. Study hard and learn my stuff well. My awe and reverence for this whole thing has climbed about a hundred miles high ever since I found out that it shouldn't be taken for granted.       Here's my concern: what about the sadness that will be part of  my presence at births for years to come? Obviously I won't bring it up to a mom in labor, and I won't show it of course, but it seems like birthing energy is so joyful......I hope I don't ruin it : / Speaking of joyful birthing energy, it occurred to me last night that the energy of my own birth will be so different than any other birth I've been to. It will  be sad. How in tar nation am I going to get through the strong contractions without the joyful energy? And that moment when the baby is born....and everyone is surrounded by angels and filled with such a surge of awe and wonderment...what will that moment be like when my little one is born? I suppose the angels might still come. Yea...I guess I won't know til that day. There might be something victorious about it after all. Eventually, though, it will make way for tears and such a cold empty feeling. Oh I don't know. So many questions that can't be answered! Just a new life and a bad prognosis, and lots of waiting.

RSS Feed

---