Over Memorial Day weekend I went to my first birth since the birth of my own baby. So lovely. A long, difficult labor that was all worth it in the end when an absolutely flawless baby girl entered the world wide eyed and just beautiful in every way. Long labors are obviously hard for the mom, but let me tell ya something, it ain't easy on the midwives and assistants either! Forty one hours after we arrived at the birth center we left, and the parents left with their little one.
I have to ask: what sort of God tells someone to enter the birth profession who has also been asked to bury their newborn baby? Trust me, if it weren't that I knew better, I'd have to say that He must be a real butt-head, but seeing as, in addition to requiring much of me, He has also treated me to all sorts of nice things I will go with saying He must be awfully "mysterious". I remember when dawn came on Monday morning as the mom continued to labor on and on. The birds started chirping a little while before the sun came up. As hard a time as she was having I wished with all my heart that I could be in her shoes instead of mine. The birds chirped just before the sun came up on that grave morning as I was wheeled slowly out of the hospital, arms empty except for a little purple box with her blanket, hat, footprints, and a book on healthy grieving.
I just love birth. It's not fair that after witnessing such an awesome event I leave crying and feeling lonelier than ever. It's not fair that I have been brought to this place in which I understand to some extent the miracle of what is going on.....it's not fair that it's for everyone else, but not for me. I wish I could have known all of this before Jonah was born. I would have relished every minute of it.
There came a time 2 and 1/2 hours after that adorable little person was born that I indulged briefly in allowing my mind to return to my recent experience of birth, and I was so glad that baby was still alive and so alert, not cold and dead.
I got home at 3AM and didn't see Jonah til the next morning of course. When I did see him I explained why I'd been gone the past few days by saying that I was at the birth of a new baby. It's not fair that his response was, "Oh. Baby go to Jesus' house?"
I don't know about this whole thing. I must be insane to do this midwifery stuff. But I'd be insane not to, too...
Perfect. Just perfect. Exactly what I need right now....another reason to bawl my eyes out! As I sat her crying and writing this, Jojo walks up and hugs me, and said sadly "I miss Toebe too." Intuitive lil guy. Then, with a hopeful and encouraging smile he looks me square in the eyes exclaiming: "Jesus' House!!" UGH!!!