I would say I've been a faithful person my entire life, from the age of reason on up. In fact, I might even have considered myself a very faithful person. I've always said my prayers at night, trusted in the Lord, gone to Mass every Sunday and sometimes weekdays.
The thing is, there has been something funny going on around here ever since Phoebe died a week ago tomorrow. How many times had I read Psalm 34:18 during my pregnancy when everything came crashing down on me? "The Lord is close to the broken hearted, He rescues those who's spirits are crushed." I read it through tears and received comfort by trusting those words. I thought that is what it meant - that He was near us but we can't see Him, we just need to trust His words. I never doubted the Lord was close to the broken hearted...but DUDE! I never knew He meant He'd be THAT close!!!!! Don't laugh, okay, but seriously I have felt such a Living presence with me since Phoebe died that...well, I caught myself feeling a tad bit embarressed using the bathroom!!!! Haha! Like, hmm...I could use a little privacy once in a while.... I know you're laughing! It doesn't make sense, but I'm just telling you that to impress upon you how incredibly real it has been.
He has been so close to me this past week that I can just about feel His presence physically. It's honestly rather intimidating, it's a tremendously huge sensation all around me. The best way to describe it is to say that it feels like there is a protective barrier between me and the world, His loving arms surrounding me as if to say to the world, "Stay away from this one for awhile, she lost her baby and that is the most painful thing a mother can do".
"After you have suffered a little, the God of all grace, Who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." ~1 Peter 5:10
Phoebe has something to do with this, too. I think when she went to Heaven and gained knowledge and was able to see all my pain from the past few months, she probably felt sorry for me and asked God to comfort me. I know she is present, too, comforting me also...probably trying to tell me that it's not as bad as it seems from my point of view and that she is happy and well. Really, isn't it odd that I felt so comforted only after she left? Her prayers must have something to do with it.
Ya know, I could get used to these special favors. I'm getting treatment fit for a queen! I'm half worried that they will comfort me so well and efficiently that my broken heart will get healed, and then *gulp* I won't fit into the category of "the broken hearted", and God won't have to give me special treatment anymore! Eek! I like this feeling of being followed by Holy Beings who soothe my broken heart. One angel fetches Heavenly hot tea, while another rubs my neck, while yet another sings a hymn and dabs my eyes when they tear up. God holds one hand, and Phoebe, the other.
I've never felt such an urgency to spread the word! It's like I've seen an airplane for the first time from eyes that never fathomed such a thing could exist. I didn't expect to get such tangible help. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't really miss Phoebe because her spirit is with me in a way I never really thought was possible. I knew it was possible but I didn't think it would feel the same way it feels when someone is standing in front of you looking at you.
I've believed myself to be a faithful person but what I've experienced in the past week has blown what I believed to be "it" out of the water.
Give God a try, I'm telling ya, you won't regret it. And also, you are missing out BIG time if you haven't received His loving kindness and been open to His ways of communication. Do it, do it, do it! There's no better time than now, Holy Week, to head on over to the Church!
PS: Most people I know who are not Christians tell me that we create God in our minds in order to have "someone" to comfort us - in other words, He's a figment of our imagination. Sorry guys, I'm not even that imaginative.