Memorial Ticker

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Thursday, April 21, 2011

What now...?

  I don't know if I am beginning to resent that silly Memorial Ticker at the top of this page or if I'm beginning to love it. Right now it says it has been "1 week and 2 days since she went to Heaven".
   Aye me, so many emotions to keep under control. I feel like I look like a walking blob of tangled, messy emotions. One second I feel calm and content with the Master Plan, the next second I see a preggie and I get to feeling like my life sucks. I'm not pregnant anymore, my belly is flat and empty again. No more kicks, no more hiccups. No more peeing 4 times a night - never thought I'd be reminiscent of that -  no more shopping for baby clothes, no more sleeping on my left side all the time. No more baby. She's gone. Just like that - a life was brought into existence and taken in two seasons. She was here long enough for her parents to fall head over heals in love with her, and then she left us behind.
  I don't like recovering from childbirth with no baby. My mind can hold on to the fact that there is a good God caring for me, but my poor body is just now figuring out that there is no baby to take care of. I am reminded of those poor goats we had when I was a kid. They'd have their babies and we'd take the babies away because we wanted the milk for ourselves and we'd feed the babies formula or something. It hurts my heart remembering how the mothers' were SO fact it hurts my heart so bad I don't even want to think about it! *hum hum hum*

   Yesterday was my 31 week prenatal appointment turned 1 week postpartum appointment. It is a sad, sad, unnatural thing to be going to a postpartum  appointment with empty arms. My pregnancy is over, a thing of the past. The baby is buried, the postpartum appointment is complete, the milk is gone. I am left behind with a nature designed perfectly for loving my offspring. Trusting in God won't take away how He designed the heart of a mother. 
     Is there really nothing else to say? I don't have the words to say what I'm feeling. I don't want to abandon the blog because I don't want this to be over, funny as they may sound, I want to cling to the last drop of Phoebe. I am afraid of forgetting....


  1. I know we don't know each other well, but some of your words are the same that I feel. Coming home, 3 days after Caleb's birth and death, the feelings are unexplainable. It's not silly at all for you to keep blogging. It can help you grow, share, and keep her memory alive. Lots of hugs to you.

  2. Somehow I missed this post and just now read it... And every word I just understand. And you said it so well - "Trusting in God won't take away how He designed the heart of a mother." My heart to you.