Aye, me. My spirit continues to be tested. That is all part of it.
The morning after writing that last invigorating blog entry, I woke up with blood everywhere....again. I feel like I'm back at square one, back where I started on Christmas Eve when this all began. I am back on complete bed rest. I am so bummed out, I can't even begin to express it! I felt that I was making some forward movement, and I was settling happily into believing that at least the placenta previa was not on my list of worries anymore.
You know what this means, right? This means that if I should go into premature labor as the doctor strongly suspects I may, then *gulp* I will probably need a c-section!!!!
I'm going to pout a lot in today's entry. Sorry, quit reading if you want, but I'm gonna! I have to vent a tad bit about the practical realities of bed rest.
First of all, this house is a disaster. Seems my theory that I am the only one who cleans up around here has been proven true in these past few months of Pregnancy Hell. I am so humiliated to say that the bathrooms have not been cleaned properly since the day we moved into this house two months ago. Also, the dog has fleas. I gave him his medicine for it but our new house is completely carpeted....and about the last thing I should be doing is pushing a vacuum cleaner. I'm envisioning fleas making happy homes in are carpet and curtains, the reality being that there is nothing I can do about it. Am I blaming anybody? My darlin' husband has been kept extremely busy, there is definitely not a second of the day he should spend vacuuming the blasted carpet.
This leads us to the 2nd Practical Reality that stinks through and through. He is kept so busy taking care of Jonah, the dog, and me (and work) that we pretty much don't have any time together. Last night we had a total of 45 minutes of time spent together - he in an exhausted, vegetable state.
Well, now, I should be in the safe zone now that I have poured my heart out about the misery this whole thing puts on Paul.....safe enough, I hope, to not get in to much trouble for going on to the 3rd Practical Reality: Food. Wonderful as my husband is in thousands of ways, cooking is not one of them! (Sorry babe!) Not only that, but as a sub reality to the this PR, he simply doesn't have time to shop let alone put much time into meal planning, and as a result our diets suffer. Crappy time for that, huh!? Just as soon as I should be taking extra caution in nourishing my body. But that is the reality of it. Cooking is one of the things I really miss, too, not to mention EATING my cooking. [ : But alas, what can be done expect hold your nose and bear it?
Those are the three main bugars of bed rest that loom large on a daily basis. Flithy house, no quality time with hubby, awful food. Oh, how I loved to micromanage my household back in the days of normalcy! When you are on bed rest, however, there is no choice but to just let it go.
Ready for more complaining?
Paul and I are plum tuckered out. Our exhaustions are opposite. Paul is physically tired and really doesn't have enough time to even start thinking about the lousy situation we find ourselves in yet again. My exhaustion is emotional. Both of us are just wondering when God will indulge us with a little break. Just a little one! Just one reason to be ecstatically happy. I know - don't you dare even THINK what I think you are thinking - that there are millions of reasons all around us to be happy, look at all the Blessings we have been given! Puleeeez. There is a time and a place, and I've been thinking that, same as you, with strained nobleness for most of these awful months.....today is NOT the day for it! *GROWL* Today is the sulking day. The level of exhaustion feels awfully darn familiar, but I've only felt this way once. It feels JUST LIKE LABOR!!!!! I feel just how I felt when I reached the point of saying "I can't do this! I just want to go to sleep! I just want it to be over!!" Gentlemen, you have no clue. Labor exhaustion is like none other. And ladies....labor as you may have labored, I dare say you might still have no clue. I would do ANYTHING for a 36 hour labor!!!!!!!!!!!! This one has gone on for 2 months, not including the little pre-labor I had to deal with in December, and I'm only at 3 cms!!!!!! I truly feel battered beyond repair and that all I can do is just lay here while the beating continues.
But that is just my crummy state of well-being today. Maybe tomorrow I will find the strength to crawl under cover and pull out my pistol again. (Yes, pistol. If I have to imagine myself in battle I'd rather the old west kind. Oddly more appealing than most other kinds of battles.) Maybe tomorrow....I will.....
PS -Oooo I though of one more thing to whine about! Stinks to high heavens that my Bad Day had to land right on April Fools Day. It's a day I look forward to all year and now it's ruined! ) :